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The Quiet Love of Being Chosen "Sampai Tua Nanti"

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I am deeply blessed to have a husband who is genuinely willing to learn how to be both a husband and a father. He is not perfect, and duhh, neither am I. My previous post was about learning to recognise the woman I am becoming. This one, this time around, is about recognising the man who is making space for that woman to breathe and exist, even whilst we're both learning how to be parents.  I intentionally mentioned his role as a “husband” then his “father” duty becauuuuuse! At first, this baffled me. In fact, it made me so mad. Like really mad! I was genuinely upset, and in the middle of all that madness, I asked him, “WHY?” I mean, how could youuuu? He is our son. He is so tiny, so reliant on us. Surely, he should come first in everything? And then my husband answered: “I know you’re going to take care of him and do everything you can for him. So I choose you first, even sampai tua nanti .” It took me a while to step back and understand what my husband was trying to do. And when ...
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The Day I Stopped Trying to Find the "Old Me"

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 It has been 13 months postpartum and yes, my head still messy.  The initial newborn survival fog has lifted, but now there is this quiet, strange pressure lingering in the background: I need to find myself again. Like now! It's urging me to. I think it's not just me. So many of us mothers fall into that trap. We steal fifteen minutes whilst our baby naps, keep an eye on the clock, and secretly search for the girl we used to be before motherhood. The one with uninterrupted thoughts, slimmer version of herself, full nights of sleep, and only herself to look after. We tell ourselves that healing means digging up that old version and piecing her back together, and honestly this episodes does not happen once, twice thrice, but a lot! Like over and over again. Today, whilst waiting for Idris to wake up, I sat down and started writing: “I am reprogramming myself. I don’t want to find myself again, because I will never find that previous version. The correct phrase is rebuilding me. ...
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CJ Idris turns one, a year postpartum of me.

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CJ Idris Turned One CJ Idris turned one. Alhamdulillah.  And somehow, that also means I survived one whole year postpartum. And it's not me alone. My husband too.  I still couldn’t believe how in the worldddd I became a mother. Not even a month of being a wife, and suddenly I became a mother. You know what I mean? Tak sempat nak adapt as a wife, then suddenly a mother? Whuuttt?! HAHAHA! But it happened, you know. And as I’m writing this, I suddenly got a flashback of all the times I prayed for this. Like gazillion times. I prayed for this, and then pap! Allah gave him to me just like that. And now he is in his ONE+ ERA. My husband and I learnt so many things after having Idris. Like, really. So many things about each other, about ourselves, about marriage, and about life. Sabr is the key. Ya, I know. But you see, it’s easier said than done. There were days when patience felt so far away. Days when both of us were tired, like crazy and overwhelmed (mostly me being this way) an...
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The day I become Mami

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Every time I think about my labor, there’s a mix of feelings I still can’t fully understand. There’s a void—something I might not be able to make sense of now, but maybe later, Inshaa’Allah. So I write it down, because every time I do, my eyes well up. This isn’t just a birth story; it’s a reminder of how Allah planned everything better than I could have ever imagined. My due date was 26/08. But on 23/08, I spotted blood. We didn’t rush straight to the hospital. Instead, I calmly checked our hospital bag again, took a bath, and tried to steady myself. Only then we went.  The doctor checked me—my cervix wasn’t even 1cm. Then came the news: Oligo. My amniotic fluid was decreasing. To avoid baby distress, they decided to induce me with a balloon. The next day, I only reached 3cm. That was all, even after the balloon induction.  Contractions were so strong, so strong—but my body just wasn’t progressing. By midday on the 25th, the doctor broke my water. Finally, 4cm. I was moved ...
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Love and Faith: A Message to My Brothers and Beyond

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I have once been told by my godfather that being a parent is never easy. Why? Because parents are human beings too and human beings are bound to make mistakes. Nothing could guarantee the child's future. None of us except our one and only Creator. You can be a winner and lose it all within nanoseconds. Well, there is no guarantee that this life is easy, right? I am not a mother (yet) but I would say I carry both responsibilities of being a mother and a father to my two brothers, Haiqal & Shahrul. Indeed, watching your kids grow is a blessing. Keeping up with their progress, listening to their stories, how’s their days, at school, observing them how they get things done ya Allah. Alhamdulilah. They will be teenage soon. No, they are teeneger now. Not to forget reminding them 1001 times to do the dishes,  putting things in place accordingly orrrr to throw out the trash is the most annoying thing ever! But again, you watch them progressing day by day. Don’t get me wrong, there wi...
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Location: Selangor, Malaysia
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Athens | Greece (6 hours transit in Singapore & 12 hours journey to Athens)

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As I am writing this I am already in Rome, Italy. (transit for 9 hours to Zurich, Switzerland). I do not want to miss anything so I would love to record it in here for my reading in the future. Sebab ini adalah satu anugerah dan rezeki terbesar dalam hidup Kak Shane yang asalnya daripada kampung #TimpiGirl to wherever and whatever she will become in the future.  #EuropreTripJourney from KL to Singapore, transit for 6 hours today. We have allocated SGD 50 each for this transit (Scoot Airline). Went to halal food courts and the spending did not stop there. We couldn't make it to airport without this one right here Bobo! His wife (madik) teman kita virtually (video call sambil dia tengah kerja).  Nampak muka ada senyum? Sebenarnya member tengah sakit pinggang dan kena paksa senyum untuk gambar. Mine!  Alam's!  Indeed! Uniqlo was so poisonous that we could not resist! Alam got her a waffle shirt and pajamas! I got my self pants!   6hrs wasn’t that long at Changi Air...
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Location: Leonardo da Vinci International Airport (FCO), 00054 Fiumicino RM, Italy
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SOALAN LEPASAN SPM: KERJA ATAU BELAJAR?

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  SOALAN POPULAR LEPASAN SPM: KERJA DULU ATAU BELAJAR DULU KAK? #sharingiscaring #belajarsambilkerja #kakshanemaushare #sharingkakshane #50ringgitgirl #asaldarikampung I just had a conversation with my cousins yang lepasan SPM, satu orang 4A and then the other 4 subjects all credit sorang lagi 3 credits. They asked me a few simple questions. Saya jumpa soalan ni beberapa kali sudah daripada pelajar-pelajar kita dan saya rasa bagus juga saya share disini: #1. APA SAYA PATUT BUAT? KERJA ATAU SAMBUNG BELAJAR DULU? Kenapa pilih salah satu kalau kamu boleh buat kedua-duanya sekali? Sambil kamu belajar kamu cari kerja sambilan (part-time). Bila kerja sambil belajar jangan lah terus kamu expect terus dapat kerja gempak-gempak gaji level Manager terus. Ada lagi ni yang paling lucu terus mau cari kerja Pilot. Seriously? Sabar. Kita buat step by step. Setiap perkara mesti akan ada proses-proses and we call them "learning process". Tak kisah kamu kerja #KFC, #STARBUCKS #COFFEBEAN #P...
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